I am not a forgiving person by nature. I am working on it because at some level I know that I'm investing energy on holding grudges. I've let a lot of them go, but there are some things I find it hard to get past.
I also am working on forgiving myself. I've done some pretty stupid things. One of the things I seem to have trouble with is keeping jobs. I have been fired multiple times, and I've quit jobs where I've felt that the situation is intolerable. I think I've maybe only left one job on really good terms and that's pretty sad.
It is hard for me to work through this. I think about the things I did to screw up my jobs, and I wish that I had done things differently. That being said, in the long run I've had some positives come out of losing those jobs, so maybe it's not all bad.
I know there is no point in reliving the past and thinking about how I could have done things differently. And when I beat myself up about it and feel like a failure, I'm hindering myself from getting further ahead right now. It's not easy to get a lot done when you are telling yourself that you suck.
I know I'm not horrible. I do a lot of things well and I'm smart. And I am a good mom. I definitely have room for improvement but in order to do that I have to be happy with who I am now. And that means I have to forgive myself for past mistakes.
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