I feel like I'm pretty cagy about things and this is supposed to be my writer blog.  So, that's what I'm going to do with it right now.

I've been working on a novel and once again things are taking unexpected turns.  Someone has turned up murdered and I wasn't really intending to make this a mystery.  I still don't know if it will be one because the main character is not going to be an amateur sleuth.  She is currently dating the guy who could be doing the detecting (he is a series character but this particular book is not from his point of view).  So I'm not sure.  She knew the victim.  I may just make it a sideline of the story but I don't know.  This guy was an asshole when he was alive and he's still an asshole now that he's dead for complicating my book!

In the meantime, I had a cleaning spell at home because I was avoiding writing.  Also because I discovered that my nose piercing isn't closed up and I was looking for my body jewelry so I can put something in.  I also might not have lost my septum piercing, which would be nice.  I miss all my jewelry.  I have no idea where any of it is and it's probably outside in the shed.  Inconvenient.

I also have to make Halloween costumes.  I have to hunt down a shirt to turn into a Kirk shirt for Nick. And I'm not sure what I'll be.  I would like to dye my hair again but I have no bleach.  I have some fairly serious roots going on, though, and the pink has faded a lot.

I also had a waxing adventure on Friday night but it turned out pretty well even though I gave up partway through and just shaved.  I think I'll make it a gradual waxing so stay tuned in two weeks when I give it another go.

92 Days

I am not abandoning my blog!

I do not have anything much to report.  I started low-carb induction on Monday and so far it's going well.  I also organized all of my vitamins.  I have so many to take!  However, I wanted to get on track now for whatever the future may bring regarding IVF.

I decided to take weekly progress photos wearing the same outfit and standing in the same place so that happened on Friday.

I think I have a good idea for a craft project to put up on Etsy.  Now all I need to do is implement it.

I definitely feel better after my meditation and my work outs.

I also am working through some other things that maybe have some bearing on where I am today, but I'm not going to use the past as an excuse for the present.  I can make changes now and I am making changes now.

98 Days

Today has been a bit off kilter.  I haven't yet done my meditation or my workout but I am going to.

I have a bit of a headache.  Also I have been losing weight but I think it is stress-related so that probably isn't the healthiest thing.  I am not complaining, though.

I am hoping that I'll get more sleep tonight.

I don't really know why I am even posting today because I don't really have anything to say.  

99 Days Until Halloween

I love Halloween, so I'm counting down already.  I also may or may not start listing things in my Etsy shop to count down.  I was going to do that last year but I ran out of steam.

Anyway, I have a headache today but I'm trying to just be with it.  It's not too terrible, and I was not prevented from exercising or from meditating.

I have been doing a long daily guided meditation, which I really enjoy.  However, sometimes I don't pay very much attention to it.  Some days are worse than others.  Even when I find my mind wandering relentlessly, I still feel much better after the meditation.  I also always feel better after my workout, at least mentally.

Tonight I am going to make a tomato pie and my latest favorite thing, which is a pesto-inspired chopped salad.  It has the basic components of pesto--basil, pine nuts, and parmesan, and I add that to chopped greens.  I also add green peas because they are just fun.

I'm thinking I might take more frequent progress photos just because it might be fun.  But I am not decided yet.

My Mindfulness Journey

Last Friday marked 4 months until my birthday, and today is 100 days until Halloween, so I think it's a good time to start making some official posts.

I am going to see how much I can accomplish through living a mindful lifestyle from now until November 19 (of course I will keep on living my mindful life, but it should be habit by then).

Right now is a good time for me to start so that I can see clear progress.  I have just started an exercise program again, and my finances are in poor shape so there is only room for improvement!

I took some "before" pictures on Friday, and I have fairly current measurements.  I weigh myself daily.

I have been meditating every day.

Right now I am just plain worried and it is making it difficult for me to feel very mindful.  I am working on accepting my current situation and acknowledging that I have the power to make improvements.

I cannot change the past, but I can use what I have learned from my mistakes to change my present.  I am looking forward to seeing what I will achieve in these next four months.

Z-Zombie Pets

Zombie Pets is the silly online game that I play.  It is a time sucker.  I like it though and I've met a lot of neat people through it.  I started playing because of a friend of mine.  She sent me something about it so I started playing.  I have been playing now for a couple of years.  So I feel like a crabby old lady because I can say things like, "I remember when there was only one habitat and you couldn't store anything and you couldn't send zombies as gifts."

I started out liking the Christmas Puppies and I wanted one of them but it was hard to get them.  You had to wait until they died and you could steal one from someone's habitat.  Then I liked the monkeys and I still like them a lot.  There are some new things out that I like better I think, and I want to make stuffed animals of them.

I'm an admin of the main group.  And the developers sent me some neat stuff.  They made a onesie for Nick when he was born and it is really cute.  I think it is too small now but I love it.

I don't even really like zombies much but I love ZP.

Y-Yesterday

Yesterday I should have been writing about the letter Y.  I didn't do much of anything yesterday.  Well, that is not entirely true.  I fixed ratatouille.  I baked a cake, and made custard.  I didn't brush my hair.  I didn't do any laundry.
I didn't take a nap.  I spent a lot of time online.  I thought about craft projects.  I wrote my 750 words.  I picked Max up from school.  I worried about Nick because he took a very long nap and I was afraid that maybe he'd died because he slept for so long.
I worried about money.  I thought about other things to do to make money but I don't think I did any of them.
I washed dishes.  I am sure I did other things.  I made coffee.  I didn't drink enough water.
I made Nick laugh and I laughed with him.  I watched a lot of television and thought about how I don't really like the show Criminal Minds.  I read the description of one particular episode and it said something like "the team tries to catch a serial killer."  And that seems like the description of at least half of the episodes.  The other half are about kidnapped children.  Those ones are too depressing and I don't like to watch them.  I don't really like shows where you are led to care about the victims before they die.  It is too depressing.
Yesterday was not exactly a typical day but it wasn't too far off.  I also made arrangements for the baby sitter in Atlanta so we can go to the opera.
I would like to accomplish more but lately I've been so tired it's been hard.  I want to feel like I'm not in limbo.  I hope that I can make that happen soon.

X-Xians

I like the word Xians.  It reminds me of Thrill Kill Kult because of their album "I See Good Spirits..." and I think it says Nervous Xians on the cover, or else that was on a t-shirt..  It falls into the same category as Xmas for me.  I think it should be pronounced "Zians."  Although Xmas should be prounounced ex-mass, not Zmass.
I don't really think about Xians in the same category as Christians.  They are not really the same thing to me although I guess they really should be.  I would fall in that category but I say I am Catholic.

I like that album, "I See Good Spirits..." mostly because of the song "X Communication."  Also I had a huge crush on a guy in high school that I met at a Nine Inch Nails concert and he liked that album.  I tended to be influenced by boys when deciding what music I liked.

I don't know exactly what to say about Xians.  I can't think of a lot.  I could have written X-actly and that would have been okay with me too.

I don't know if I'm even remembering the Nervous Xians thing correctly but I associate it with that album.  I listened to that album and Confessions of a Knife and the single of "A Girl Doesn't Get Killed By a Make-Believe Lover" over and over again.  I remember doing that one afternoon and evening while my mom and all the people from her house were out of town and my then-best friend came over and we fixed lasagna.  We made vegetarian lasagna and put a little bit of Diet Dr. Pepper in the tomato sauce as our secret ingredient.  It was really good lasagna and we made it a few times.  We did that a lot.  We'd hang out and cook dinner and be silly.

W-Writing

I say I am a writer when people ask me what I do.  I wonder though.  Am I a writer or a SAHM?  I mean, I don't really like to say that I'm a stay at home mom because the implication is that I'm not working otherwise.  And do I count as a writer when I'm not really doing anything that is turning a profit at the moment?
I think I count as a writer even though right now I'm not writing as much as I want to or feel like I should be doing.  I'm not sure what is going on with that.  What is causing this lack of inspiration?  It's this lack that makes me wonder if I'm depressed.
I remember in college I'd stay up all night writing.  I'd drink orange juice and type away on my Brother word processor, filling up files really quickly.  The disks didn't hold all that much, and the files were small too.  Maybe eleven pages of single spaced words?  I don't remember now.  I wonder if I managed to print out all of that stuff because I don't have my word processor anymore.  I really loved that thing until my mom lent me her laptop and I discovered the joy of writing in bed.
I started out writing in longhand but I type so much more quickly than I can write.  I have tons of empty notebooks that I'd like to fill but I am not writing in them.  I like pens.  I don't always like my handwriting and that is part of why I don't write in my notebooks.
I'd like to write more.  I'd like to write every day and I know I just need to do it.  Right now I'm dealing with lack of sleep not by choice, and I'm not sure what else.  I should just stop making excuses because the fact of the matter is, I'm just not making writing the priority that it should be if I really want to say I'm a writer.

V-Virginia

I was born in Virginia, and then when I was about a year old we moved to South Carolina.
I went to college in Virginia.  We used to visit Charlottesville fairly frequently because my dad's parents lived there.  I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about where I'd go to college.  I always wanted to go to Virginia.  My dad used to walk around the Grounds with me.  We looked through the mail slot of his old room on the Lawn.  He showed me the steam tunnels and told me about how he used to crawl around down there.  He showed me the place where his bike got stolen.
I loved my time in Virginia.  It's a beautiful state.  I love Charlottesville.  I like driving through Virginia, although not so much up in the D.C. suburb area.  I also am not crazy about the perpetual road work on 29.
I would live in Charlottesville if I had the money.  I like the area.  I like the atmosphere.  I like the University.  I know it's not perfect but nowhere is.
I haven't been all that many places in Virginia.  Pretty much I've spent my time on the way to and from Charlottesville, both on 29 and on 81 and 64.  We used to drive that way, through the mountains, but I had a pretty bad car accident with both my mom and little sister in the car so no one has been very interested in driving that way anymore.
I have been to Richmond.  I was born in Roanoke and we lived in Radford although I don't remember anything about that.
I'm not sure that Northern Virginia really counts as Virginia but I guess it does.
I do pretty much base all my opinions about Virginia and what I think about it on Charlottesville and the surrounding area.

U-Ugly

I don't like ugly things.  Well, that may not be exactly right.  If I like something it ceases to be ugly.  

I don't really think I am ugly but once a long time ago I heard some boys at school talking about me and they said I was ugly.  So I wonder.  It's pretty sad that two boys in the seventh grade could have that much hold over my self-worth.

I don't say things are ugly very often.  I kind of like the word ugly.  Only to me it sounds like it should refer to something that isn't really grotesque.  More like the creatures in Mercer Mayer's One Monster After Another.

I have told Max not to say things are ugly.  He said that his cousin told him his favorite engine was ugly but I think it was because she was jealous.  We talked about that.  Not the cousin, but Max and I.  

I have occasionally said that a person is ugly but really only in reference to character and not appearance.  I don't think that people should be considered ugly based on their looks.  However, plenty of people are ugly on the inside.

T-Trains

Max is a big train fan.  I really like trains as well.  I wish trains were more prevalent in the U.S.  I would take the train almost anywhere if I could.  We took the train up to Philadelphia for fun last year, and Max had a blast.  We got a bedroom and my mom and Max slept on the bottom and I slept up top.
When I was little my mom and I would take the train down to West Palm Beach to visit my grandparents.  It was so much fun!  I remember we'd have to go down town to the train station in the middle of the night.  The Adluh Flour sign would blink on and off while we waited.  It seems like the train was often delayed.  Then it would show up, we'd get on and go to our room (we always got a roomette) and go to sleep.  In the morning we'd go to the dining car and have French toast, and I'd look out at the palm trees that showed that we were in Florida.  It was always cold in Columbia when we'd set off on our trip, and then we'd get to Florida and it would be nice and warm.
A few times over spring break a friend and I would make the same trip on the train, but I think that once we just went coach.  That wasn't quite as much fun but it was okay.
The trip to Philadelphia was a lot like the old trips to Florida, but the train station isn't in the heart of down town anymore, and we went from cold to colder on our journey.  The train station in Philly is beautiful.  I think it's sad that we've gone from that to the blandness of airports.  I like flying, but airports kind of suck.  There's something exciting about being in a train station and waiting for the train to arrive.

S-Self-sabotage

I am a master of self-sabotage.  I don't know why.  I used to not do this to myself.  I wonder if it's because I want to not trust myself to follow through on things because then something good might happen.
I don't feel entitled to things, but I do think that I deserve to be happy and successful.  But do I really think that?  I am not sure.  Sometimes I think that deep down inside I think I deserve to be unhappy and struggling with my weight and with money.
I am trying to ignore the negative voice in my head and do things that need to be done.  I've vacuumed and mopped the house for the first time in ages.  I'm going to change the sheets.  I am drinking water and I worked out.  I've written my 750 words and I'm doing this post.
I have more things to do but this is a start.  The working out helps.  It makes me feel like I am not letting myself down even though I have kind of slacked off for the past few weeks.  Of course, it's not like I really could work out while I had a bad cold or when I could barely walk thanks to my back going out!
I am trying to tell myself good things.  I want to believe in myself again.  I want to have life be easy again the way it used to be.  I don't mean that I don't think bad things will happen, because they always do, but I don't need myself to make life harder for me than it has to be!
I am going to work on my daily goals and not lose sight of my long term goals.  I know what things I need to do, and I'm not going to give up.  I think it's easier to give up but then I end up feeling like a failure and it's hard to win when you have that kind of mindset.
I wish I knew what the underlying reasons were for my lack of success.  I know it's due to my own actions, but I think I need to know why I keep sabotaging myself in order to stop doing it.

R-Reading

I love reading.  I read a lot.  I don't want to say I read all the time because I spend a lot of time online.  I also spend a fair amount of time watching tv but I read more, I think.
I have a lot of books out of the library right now and I am reading a few of them right now.  I am on a non-fiction kick at the moment, which is unusual for me.  I'm reading about epidemics.  I am currently reading about the flu epidemic of 1918.
I have some books that I read every year or so.  Here's the current list:
Pride and Predjudice
East of Eden
The Godfather
Helter Skelter
The Shining
Harry Potter (the whole series)
Triple Zeck (Rex Stout)
a variety of Dick Francis books
Gone With the Wind
Memoirs of a Geisha
Harry Dresden series

I kind of feel like there are more but that's a start.

I'm looking forward to when Max is ready for chapter books.  My dad read to me every night I was over at his house (usually 4 nights a week) up through my first semester in college.  I wish he had a list of the books we read but I'm not sure that he did.  It kind of seems like the sort of thing he would do but I don't know for sure.

Q-Questions

I think I used to ask more questions.  I'm not sure.  I ask a lot of questions, but mostly to my kids. I don't ask questions of the universe very much anymore.  I ask for help, but I don't really think I'm trying to find deeper meaning in things, and perhaps it would be wise to do this more.
I think I should ask more questions because it would help me write more.  I don't feel all that inspired these days, and if I asked more questions I might feel more creative.
I like writing, and I like doing other art things.  But I'm kind of feeling dull.  Of course, I am also feeling worried, and being worried isn't conducive to creativity.
Anyway, I'd like to start asking questions again.  I know I don't have all the answers.  I like the questions my niece and Max ask.  I like being able to see how their brains work when they ask questions.  Sometimes it's funny, sometimes, not.
I would like to ask more productive questions that the ones I come up with these days.
What if's are good questions for writing.  So are hows.  Whys.
Lately it seems like most of my questions are more along the lines of "what were they thinking?"  And "How can people be so mean/stupid/wrong?"
In my day to day my question is "What am I going to do?"  And I feel like I'm in panic mode.  I'd like to get past that.

P-Pefectionism

I am a perfectionist.  I wouldn't think so, but I'm pretty sure that is why I don't do things like clean.  It's because I can't do it perfectly.  When I am not able to do things the way I picture them in my head, I kind of give up on them.  This behavior isn't particularly helpful.
I'm working on letting go of my perfectionism.  Life isn't perfect.  I'm not perfect.  Things are never going to be perfect, and I can still do things better.
I don't feel this way about my writing.  Or my painting.  Or most other things related to art.  I lack patience, so I tend to want to finish things quickly.  I don't really feel that way about writing, but I sure do about art!
Also I have trouble finishing craft projects like cross stitch because it takes a long time.  I don't tend to make huge mistakes in crafting, but I get bored.  I want things to be done already and they don't get done like that.
I tend to have an issue with perfectionism of some sort with my exercise and eating too.  It's like if I don't stick to my exercise or eating plan 100%, I might as well just give up and do nothing.  That doesn't really work either!
I am trying to do better with this because I don't want to mess up my kids.  I am not going to be one of those parents concerned about the 3 points that they lost on a test where the grade is 97/100.
I want to have a clean home and be in better shape.  I am just going to have to work on these things one day at a time and trust that the end result will be worth the wait.

O-Origami

I like doing origami.  I am looking for a good pattern for a bat because the ones that I have end up folding messy.  I also really like these magazine ads I saw that had origami animals with really pretty printed paper that wasn't origami paper.  There was an elephant and a giraffe I think.  The elephant had blue flowered paper.  Maybe it was wallpaper?
Anyway, I have a good pattern for a nun.  I love her.  She is so cute.
I also have a pattern for a spider but I don't think it's really origami because I think it sues more than one sheet of paper.  Also I haven't been able to do that one because it had lousy instructions.
I like to do things that are challenging, but I like the ones that are easy too.
I folded a lot of paper cranes and put them on string, I think for my wedding shower?  Or some event.  They were pretty.  Maybe it was for some other party.
I have tons and tons of origami paper in my craft closet.  I probably should get to folding but I've been doing other things.
I would like to make 1000 paper cranes at some point.  I'd like to fold 1000 bats but not with the patterns that I have.

N-Nick

Nick is an easy baby to love...at least during the day.  He wakes up a lot at night and I'm very tired.  He is at a super fun age now.  And he's very handsome.  When I am feeling down I can always say to myself that I make pretty babies...

Nick is very different from Max.  He is an extrovert.  He doesn't make the same babbles that Max did.  It's somewhat difficult to talk about Nick without comparing him to Max, at least in my world.  Max looks like my mom's side of the family; Nick looks like my dad.  They both have had some low weight problems.  Nick is very mellow.  I don't think Max was a difficult baby but Nick is easy in a different way.

I never thought I would have two boys.  I am not sorry that I do even though I really want a little girl.  If I'm not able to have that girl, I'll be happy with my sons.  I figure it's my destiny to turn them into good men.

I love watching Nick change every day.  He is so cuddly and fun to be with.

I guess I'm making having these kids sound like a walk in the park.  There are definitely ups and downs, but I'd like to focus on the positive with them.  You'd get a different story from me at three in the morning.  :)

M-Max

Max is my first child.  I adore him.  He is amazing.  He's five now.  He is the neatest little kid.  I know I'm biased, but he is so great.  He is funny and smart and cute and just awesome.
Max loves trains.  He says that he only likes transportation things.  They just had a unit on transportation at his school and he was the transportation expert.  Now they are studying plants and he is not so interested, but he is learning some stuff.  He just only wants to play trains at home.
I had a miscarriage right before conceiving Max.  I was so worried that wouldn't be a viable pregnancy either but everything was okay.  It was a rough pregnancy, and the delivery wasn't great either, but I was so happy to have him.
I worry about him a lot because he seems to march to his own beat.  He gets along really well with adults but not so much with other kids.  He seems to be well-liked but he doesn't play with many people.
He is  starting kindergarten next year so will be one of the older kids in the class, but I'm thinking that is probably a good thing.  I don't want him to be bored intellectually but he definitely needs more time to develop socially.
I am really enjoying watching him grow up.  I like babies, but I think kids are so much more fun as they get older and start to be able to do more things.

Tomorrow I'll be writing about Nick.  :)

L-Letting Go

Letting go isn't easy for me.  I am a grudge-holder.  I'm working on it though.  I also seem to rehash past mistakes.  I wish I could stop doing that.
I do better with letting go of things on a daily basis.  I'm pretty patient with my kids.  I can deal with things that don't go right in the kitchen.
I am trying to let go of expectations of myself.  I think that if I just work on being in the moment I'll be able to get more done.  I don't mean I'm not going to set goals, but if I have to deviate from my schedule that doesn't mean I have to throw it all away.  I can let go of perfectionism and I'd be able to accomplish a lot more.
That is tough for me.  I don't know why.  I don't really see myself as a perfectionist but I guess I tend to have the idea that if I mess something up I might as well just give up on it.  That's not very helpful.  I think I'm doing a lot better with that in some regards, but not in others.
I am doing well with not just throwing away my workout program, even though I haven't been able to do it exactly the way I might want to.
I am trying to do better with perfectionism and cleaning my house but there seem to be other issues going on.  I'm not mad at myself about it though.

K-Kaufman

Kaufman is my middle name.  I was not given a middle name at first.  Then, after my mom adopted my sister, she decided she was going to change her last name back to Kaufman and she wanted to use Hevener as her middle name, and I added Kaufman as my middle name.

The Kaufman family is pretty amazing.  Out of all of my relatives, they are my favorites.  All of my mom's exes seemed to be more in love with her family than with her.   (By exes I mean ex-boyfriends as well as ex-husbands--she has two of those.)

Max (my older son) is a Kaufman through and through.  He looks like my grandfather and my uncle, and he has the body type too.  I have the Kaufman legs.

I don't know a huge amount about my grandparents and their parents.  My grandfather was a Lithuanian Jew, but I don't know any details about why his family moved here.  He and my grandmother both went to Penn.  My grandfather was a social worker and my grandmother was a teacher for at least some time, I think.  They were instrumental in making their neighborhood one of the first integrated neighborhoods in Philadelphia.  They were also Communists, but I don't think that was widely publicized.

My uncle took Biden's place as Delaware's Senator for two years.  He has three daughters and they are all a fair amount older than I am.  I don't see them as often as I'd like but it is always fun when we all get together.

My mom also has two sisters.  One of them has a son who attends college here where I am.  I used to babysit her two kids when I was at UVa.  I have a lot of fond memories of doing that.

I love my family and I am proud to be a Kaufman.

J-Jewelry

I make jewelry, but I don't wear much other than my wedding and engagement rings and earrings.  Oh, and I have some piercings but most of them have closed up.  I kind of miss the ones that are gone and I might get them redone but I'll wait until I'm done having kids.

I like jewelry and I have a lot of it.  I have some really nice earrings and some neat hand made things.  I made my wedding jewelry and that of my bridesmaids and some other people associated with the wedding.

I guess I got out of the habit of wearing much stuff once I had my son because he was a grabber.  I think Nick is a grabber too.

I mostly make bracelets but I make necklaces as well and I have findings for earrings.  I have a series of things that I'm making in honor of The Witch Family by Eleanor Estes.  It's a great book and I'm making things representative of characters and places.

I had trouble thinking of a J and I don't have much to say right now.

I-Introvert

I am an introvert.  So is my husband, and so is my 5 year old.  My 10 month old is an extrovert.  I can tell because he'll be all cranky and tired and then we'll be in a social setting and he just brightens up and is so friendly and good.

I don't mind being an introvert.  I'm glad that I know about them now, because when I was in high school I was just weird.  Also my mom is an extrovert so she didn't really understand about how I felt about things.  That is sort of weird because my dad is and introvert, and so is my sister's father.  So she seems to like us just fine.

I really do like being by myself, although it would be nice to have some friends around here.  But I don't want local friends enough to put myself out there and try to make them.  I know people here but it's really hard to meet up.  We are all busy with our lives.

I hope that Max does okay with being an introvert.  Maybe now it isn't as big an issue.  He is a nice little boy and I think people like him.  He is not the best in groups and I can tell that when he gets home from preschool he needs to spend time unwinding and just hang out by himself.

H-Happiness

I think that in general I'm pretty happy.  I wish I had more money, and a bigger house, and a nicer car.  But I love my kids and my husband and the rest of my family.  I like not having a 9-5 office job.  For the most part, I like myself.  There are plenty of things that I'd change about my life, but they're pretty superficial.
I do think that I'm dissatisfied with things, but not really unhappy.  I am able to find joy in life on a daily basis.  I may spend a lot of time worrying but I am happy every day that I have my sons and many of the other things in my life.
I'm not sure that I acknowledge my happiness enough.  It's easy to get wrapped up in my financial worries, and they definitely detract from my happiness.  And I do like stuff.  I know that things don't really make me happy, but I do like things.
I think happiness is kind of difficult to define.  Because for me it's sharing meals with my family, going to the zoo on a spring day, laughing at something my five year old has said, reading a good book, painting or crafting or writing something that I know is good.
I definitely think happiness is something that you can find in daily life if you look for it.  Some people have a mindset which prevents them from seeing things that might make them happy.  Of course, I know there are times when it's not easy and may be impossible to be happy.  I don't think it's a simple emotion.  But for me I know it's something that I've had to choose to feel, and I struggle with finding that daily joy sometimes.
There are people in my life who aren't happy and seem to look for the bad in everything.  I am prone to this behavior but I've been working on not being that way.  It draws me, though.  It's easier for me to frame everything in a negative way.  But I know that there are more good things in my life than bad, and I try to appreciate what I have and not think so much about what is lacking.

G-Goals

I have a lot of goals.  I think I need to make them more specific because I don't seem to be getting anywhere with them.  It's kind of discouraging.
I also wonder about that study where they said that if you envision your success your brain thinks you have already succeeded so it doesn't work as hard to help you reach your goals.  I think that would maybe apply to imagining your success, rather than thinking and visualizing the steps you take to reach your goals.
I feel like I'm so anxious about not succeeding that I've effectively paralyzed myself and don't get much of anything accomplished, and that creates a vicious circle in which I don't have faith that I will succeed, so I don't succeed, and then I have less faith.
I used to achieve all the goals I set for myself.  That hasn't happened for a long time.  I don't think my goals are unrealistic.  I'm just not quite sure how to get started.  I know I need to just dive right in.  That's not easy to do sometimes.
I know that beating up myself for my failures isn't the way to accomplish any more goals.  And I have gotten some stuff done.
I'm currently doing Camp NaNo, and I'll get my words written for that.  I'm behind at the moment but I am motivated to get that done.
I'm doing 750words.com and I succeeded in March's challenge, and I know I can do April too.
I've successfully given birth to two healthy babies.
These are recent things.  I have a long list of past achieved goals but they are from a long time ago.
I have a blog where I've been tracking my goals for this year but I think I missed out on my March update.  That's not to say I can't update now.  I don't think I have much to show for this year so far.  However, the year is only 1/4 of the way through and I can get a lot done in the next 9 months.

F-Forgiveness

I am not a forgiving person by nature.  I am working on it because at some level I know that I'm investing energy on holding grudges.  I've let a lot of them go, but there are some things I find it hard to get past.

I also am working on forgiving myself.  I've done some pretty stupid things.  One of the things I seem to have trouble with is keeping jobs.  I have been fired  multiple times, and I've quit jobs where I've felt that the situation is intolerable.  I think I've maybe only left one job on really good terms and that's pretty sad.

It is hard for me to work through this.  I think about the things I did to screw up my jobs, and I wish that I had done things differently.  That being said, in the long run I've had some positives come out of losing those jobs, so maybe it's not all bad.

I know there is no point in reliving the past and thinking about how I could have done things differently.  And when I beat myself up about it and feel like a failure, I'm hindering myself from getting further ahead right now.  It's not easy to get a lot done when you are telling yourself that you suck.  

I know I'm not horrible.  I do a lot of things well and I'm smart.  And I am a good mom.  I definitely have room for improvement but in order to do that I have to be happy with who I am now.  And that means I have to forgive myself for past mistakes.  

E-Eating

I like to eat.  Eating is more than the food=fuel equation.  I really love having family brunches where everyone is enjoying food.
I am working on eating more mindfully, and I'm going to have to cut some stuff that I really love out of my diet, at least temporarily, if I want to achieve my weight loss goals.  That is not easy for me, and right now I'm kind of in a funk and that makes it even harder.  However, I know that I need to go lower carb in order to lose weight with my PCOS.
I also want to cut more sugar out of my diet because I know I can make do with less.  I'm working on eating less processed food.
Having a Trader Joe's in town now makes all of this easier because I can get less expensive interesting produce, as well as other things that fit in with my healthier eating plan.
It's a challenge to implement things when my energy level is low, like it is now, because the quick fix is always the best.  Also I don't like washing dishes and preparing food of course uses up pots and pans.
I'm going to get over it though.  I know that I'd feel better if I'd eat better, and now that my back is getting better I can get past my washing dishes dislike and figure out what to fix.

Now I'm going to recommend a film: Tampopo.  I haven't seen it in years but it's a good food movie.  I also recommend Kings of Pastry, but that is not really about eating.  Tampopo is all about enjoying food, as I recall.  I know there is some eroticism of food, and also noodles, I think.  But not erotic noodles.

D-Depression

I suffer from depression.  It is more or less under control, I think, but sometimes I wonder if that is why my house is such a mess and why I have little motivation.  In high school it was the worst, and then I've had a couple of bouts of situational depression.  Nothing post-partum, though.
I know that exercise helps make me feel better, and lack of money makes me feel worse.  I kind of feel like I get into a rut and I am not sure how to get out of it, not necessarily relating to my depression but to life in general.
I feel like I should know steps to take to improve my situation, since I have gone through cognitive-behavioral therapy, but it is very easy for me to backslide.
However, I'm working on things.  I don't feel like life is awful.  I don't have trouble enjoying things daily.  I can tell what things are irritants to me (like Facebook!) and I try to focus on good things.
I think it works better for me if I make lists so I can check off what I've done.
I do try to keep an eye out for symptoms of depression in myself, but I sometimes wonder if I'm so far into it that I can't see it.  Right now I am not feeling so great about myself but I am being kind to myself and I don't think everything sucks.
I used to be the gloomy Eeyore person in my family but now I have to be the positive person because my husband wins at being Eeyore and both of us can't be dismal doom and gloomers.

C-Cooking

I really like cooking.  I think I'm a pretty good cook, even though I don't get a lot of positive reinforcement from my kids or husband.  It is sometimes hard cooking for one, since then you're stuck with a bunch of leftovers.  Sometimes that is okay, but my freezer is filling up with things that I got tired of eating.
I have a few recipes that I can throw together at the last minute, or that I consider my signature dishes.
These include ratatouille, quiche, artichoke dip, and baked ziti.  My sister also says I make the best mashed potatoes and scrambled eggs (two separate dishes).
I've been enjoying expanding my repertoire lately since I've been getting co-op veggies and I've had to hunt around for ways to use up the things that come through.  Some of them are things I'm not really all that enthusiastic about, but I've been pretty impressed with the recipes I've found for some of them.
I also like baking, which I tend to throw in with cooking even though they're not really the same thing.

I don't tend to worry about fat content in my food.  I'm more concerned with carbs and sugar.  However, I don't talk a lot about food with people because I don't really care what people choose for eating plans.  Whatever works is fine with me.  When people come over for dinner (which isn't all that often), I definitely take their dietary needs into consideration.

I'm spending a lot of time these days cooking baby food.  My ten month old is underweight so I'm working on fixing him calorie-laden dishes.  He really likes sweet potatoes so I've been roasting those and mashing them with butter and cream, and then I've been making him coconut milk and cream custard.  He doesn't like that so much on its own but he gobbles it up when it has sweet potatoes in it.  He also is very fond of a cream of spinach soup that I made.  It is kind of like spinach dip in soup form.

Sometimes I wish that I could view food more like fuel, but it's much more than that to me.

B-Boot Camp

I am a lifetime member of the NEWO Boot Camp, and I love it.  I started in Boot Camp 11, as part of a Pay-It-Forward thing that they do each time (although I think that was the first time they offered it).  Anyway, a few weeks in they offered a lifetime membership, and my mom got it for me for Christmas.
I have not really lost any weight (I've actually gained some weight), but I know it is making a difference in my life.  I've been in a bit of a slump, and this back stuff isn't helping, but I am actually missing being able to work out.  And it's been helping me immensely with my energy levels, and also with my perfectionism.  I am an instant gratification type of girl.  And I also am inclined to let my negative voice take control and entice me into acts of self sabotage, and Boot Camp is really helping me to fight against that.  I really want to work the system a bit better than I have been, but I'm working on improving a little bit at a time, and right now is the time to focus on healing and not on pushing myself into more injury.

A-Acupuncture

I have a lot of "A"s I could write about: acceptance, attitude, and I'm sure I could think of others.
I think I will write about acupuncture instead.  I was not so sure about acupuncture when I first heard of it, but I became more open to the idea as I learned more about alternative medicine.
I started getting acupuncture treatments when I was trying to conceive in 2011.  I had been reading a good book about fertility called Making Babies, and the authors recommended a variety of supplements, and also acupuncture.
I was also on Clomid at the time but it wasn't until my prescription for that ran out that I got my positive sign.  Now I have a healthy 10 month old, and I think that acupuncture played a big part in that.
Anyway, I'm on the acupuncture kick at the moment because my back went into spasm on Thursday night and I went in for an emergency treatment on Saturday morning.  I have two more treatments to go to help with this back pain, but I'm amazed at the results so far.  Right now I'm a little sore, but ever since my treatment I've been able to walk around with little pain, and starting yesterday I was able to pick the baby up and carry him around the house.  Some things I do are still uncomfortable, but I am really surprised at how quickly things seem to be clearing up.  I haven't had a spasm like this since college, and I know that time it took a pretty long time for me to feel better.
So, acupuncture is something that I am passionate about now.  I will be using acupuncture again when we try for our third baby, which will be later this year.  Right now I can't really afford the time or money to go every week, but that is one of my goals.

Beginner's Mind

I woke up this morning and felt like it was time for a change.  I've not been feeling good about myself lately.  And I've been putting on weight, not taking my eating seriously, nor my workouts.
Anyway, today is a new day!  And I'm going to look at it from the aspect of a beginner's mind.

I have been doing the Oprah and Chopra 21 day meditation challenge, although I'm behind on that.  I'm okay with being behind.

I also got back into my working out and it was great!  I did the workout live and that was a lot of fun.  I'm not sure that I think the energy was very different but I'm really glad I did it.  I was thinking about taking a nap instead but I don't need a nap now!

Nick is not gaining enough weight but we'll find out tomorrow if he's just got a high metabolism or if it's something else.

I am still not doing well with my money but I will get better.  I'm going to stop talking and thinking about it and actually just start doing!  It's time to take some action and I feel good right now so it's time.

I have lots to keep me busy for the next few days because we're going out of town on Saturday and will be gone until Wednesday.  It will be a fun trip, but I want the house to be in better shape before we leave.  And I have lots of food to use up or figure out what to do with.

I'm feeling very anxious about my money situation.  I have to get it together.  I am tired of feeling like this all the time, and I know it's interfering with my life in all aspects.

I intend to post in here more frequently.  I'm satisfied with what I'm accomplishing for the most part.  I wish I weren't so concerned about money.  I know that my stressing about it is hindering me in my quest for making it.  I am going to start writing down some specific things that I can do to earn money and more specific monetary goals so that I can use my subconscious to help me get there faster.

I really do intend to become financially independent this year.  I know there are certain things that I can do to get there, and I'm going to start doing them.  I am tired of causing stress on other people because of my own lack of money.  And I'm tired of my relationship with money.  I am going to do better than this.  I am better than this.

Other than money, I am feeling good about myself.  I have been practicing mindfulness every day.  I got Nick to gain over 1.5 pounds just through nursing and a bottle of pear juice every day, so that makes me know that I don't need to doubt my milk supply.

I did not let my headache yesterday, which kept me from working out, become a reason to quit working out for the rest of the week, or forever.  I have been doing great with exercising, even if I haven't lost any weight.

I've also been doing pretty well with drinking water and many other things.  I'm excited about what this year has to offer and I'm getting a lot done.  If I can get this much done on this little amount of sleep, I'm excited to see what I will be able to get done once I'm not sleep deprived!